“Wake up and rate my vagina!”…..I heard her scream like a banshee.
My head was spinning and my eyelids felt like they had been sealed shut with two vice grips. It was early Sunday morning and the unforgiving side effects of the partying from the night before could not be ignored. As my vision slowly came into focus, to my horror, I saw standing above me my college roommate with no underwear. Her big “V” was staring me right in the face. “Get the hell away from me you crazy bitch!” I tried to scream, but my throat was too dry and sore.
Erica was my roommate for almost two years while I was in college. She was the type of girl that spoke her mind, made people laugh but could be very abrasive at times. I loved her to death, but her constant unpredictable behavior always wore on my patience. This latest stunt of shoving her vagina in my face was exasperating but not surprising since I had become accustomed to her crazy antics over time.
I later learned that Erica was distraught by the fact that her boyfriend at the time had made some negative comments regarding the look of her vagina. She was now seeking comfort by asking me to rate her vagina as if she had just preformed a double gainer off the diving board at the pool and I was now expected to hold up a score card. I was in no mood to play her games so I rolled over to the other side of the bed in the hopes of going back to sleep and angrily told her to simply ignore the comments of her douche-bag boyfriend.
Men…I am going to let you in on a little secret about women. We are all extremely insecure when it comes to our looks and bodies. Even the hint of having one hair out of place will send us into an emotional tailspin. I understand that this is an extremely unstable and a fucked up state of affairs but that is just how we are wired. You know, genetic makeup shit. Don’t worry, a man’s genetic makeup is far from perfect either, but we won’t get into that discussion here.
So what is the solution? It’s simple. When it comes to our looks and our bodies, just lie to us. That’s right, lie your ass off and tell us what we want to hear regardless of what you really think. Don’t worry, we know you will be lying most of the time but we don’t care. We just want to hear that we are beautiful and that every part of our body is perfect in your eyes. If you don’t have the balls to lie to a female regarding her looks, then you my friend are going to have difficulty surviving in this world. The women around you will make your life a living hell if you don’t play this game. Imagine a baby gazelle wandering into a circle of hungry hyenas. That’s right buddy, your baby gazelle ass is going to get chewed off. So it’s best you cover you little gazelle ass and lie like a politician. Believe me when I tell you that Erica’s douche-bag boyfriend suffered the consequences of his dumb ass remark about her vagina. Let’s just say he went without for a while.
So men, the next time a woman asks you if you think her breasts are too small, her ass is too big, her legs are too fat, or whatever the hell is on her mind at the moment, just remember to lie with a smile on your face. Otherwise, the hyenas will start to circle.
Oh, I almost forgot. Erica I never did give you the vagina rating you requested all those many years ago. If you happen to stumble upon this blog post, I am giving you a perfect “10” my sweet neurotic friend.